These jokes are to make Lisa smile...If you have any others to offer, please feel free! (Although, I won't be sending you $300...)

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries. "He says you're gonna die."

Q: How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

My daughter and her husband, Monte, had flown to visit me, and he held their baby in his arms as the passengers stood to deplane. Noticing the baby's shirt, which said "Little Terror," a woman commented, "I think it's awful to have your child wear something like that." "But it's true," Monte replied. "Well," the woman persisted, "I wouldn't advertise it." A moment later, he shifted the infant a bit, and the woman exclaimed, "Oh, his shirt says 'Little Terror.' I thought it said 'Little Error.' "

One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly. After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you think she'll die?" "Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on Fear Factor."

I am a deputy sheriff assigned to courthouse security. As part of my job, I explain court procedures to visitors. One day I was showing a group of ninth-graders around. Court was in recess and only the clerk and a young man in custody wearing handcuffs were in the courtroom. "This is where the judge sits," I began, pointing to the bench. "The lawyers sit at these tables. The court clerk sits over there. The court recorder, or stenographer, sits over here. Near the judge is the witness stand and over there is where the jury sits. "As you can see," I finished, "there are a lot of people involved in making this system work." At that point, the prisoner raised his cuffed hands and said, "Yeah, but I'm the one who makes it all happen."

Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the reenactment of a Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event. But the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down. That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at Will!"

And my FAVORITE...

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter. The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead. The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care." St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

Love ya, Lisa!!


Random Thoughts...

1) What the crap is up with Britney Spears?
2) I'm miffed that my husband has to work tomorrow.
3) My pantry looks good...DAMN good...I cleaned it out and re-painted it...all organized.
4) My 4 year old son told me "I'm not your boyfriend!" when I last kissed him...
5) I wish I shopped on Sunday, cause I could really go for a Diet Vanilla Coke...
6) We are putting up our house for sale in the next few weeks...I just need to call my doctor and "up" my "medication..."
7) I'm excited for "sandal" weather! I took a walk in flip-flops today...My bright-pink toes were smiling!
8) We went as a family to see "Ghost Rider," and had a blast (Even our 4 year old sat through it!)
9) I had a dream last night, that I tried to start nursing my youngest child (age 4) again...Do you think I am denial that my child-bearing years are over?
10) This guy on "Deal or No Deal" just made a deal for $94,000 when he still had $200,000-$500,000 left on the board...His case ended up having $300,000...ooops!
11) Whenever you feel "deprived," just watch Ty Pennington's "Extreme Makeover..." It works EVERY time!! (Tonite...family with 6 out of 7 kids with autism...tissue?)
12) Kiwi-Passion Fruit yogurt is REALLY good, even though it sounds REALLY yucky!
13) My husband and I ate all my son's Valentine candy...My daughter came home with two stuffed animals from her "valentines" as well as flowers, and a glass, heart-shaped paper weight...SHE'S ONLY EIGHT!!
14) My friend gets a free trip to Hawaii...I wish I was in Hawaii...


How I Got VD

This afternoon, I was visited by our wards Activity Day girls (They chose me and two other "select" people to visit...yes...I am cool...) As I came to the front door, there they were, beaming, bright-eyed, and giggling, waiting for me to gush all over them (which...I did...) They presented to me a foiled plate, with a shouted chorus of, "Happy Valentines Day!!" I chatted with them, made them recite an Article of Faith, and made my way back into the house to devour my "stash." I peeled back the foil, and took in my bounty, when I saw "it."

On a single, frosted, red and pink sugar cookie was...


It made my day!!


More Meme for Melissa

Curious?! Enjoy...

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:30am--ritual "pee," then again at 7:15am to send the kids off to school, then again at 8:30am when my youngest got up, then again at 9:15am when my youngest refused to "cuddle" any longer...Nope...NOT a morning person...Though I would LOVE to be one...

2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds...pearls seem matronly to me.

3. Single/married/committed? married (Now...Lisa put favorite "shoes" on her meme for this question...OOH...SHOES!!)

4. What was the last film you saw at the theater? "The Pursuit of Happyness"

5. What is your favorite TV Show? Tie: The Office/Prison Break/Grey's Anatomy/(when on) Project Runway/Boston Leagal

6. What did you have for breakfast? Egg/spinach omelet

7. What is your middle name? What middle name?!--My Dad did not give ANY of his daughters a middle name...His reasoning?...Our maiden name would become our middle name when we got married...(You better believe MY daughter has a middle name!!)

8. What is your favorite cuisine? Japanese...SUSHI!!

9. What foods do you dislike? Fillet mignon

10. Favorite Chips? "Lays" original, or home-made tortilla chips with salsa

ll. Favorite CDs? Currently very eclectic: Godsmack, Michael Buble, Johnny Cash, ColdPlay, Evanescence, The Fray, Hansraj Hans (cool/fresh Indian Music), KT Tunstall, Rob Zombie, White Zombie, Soundtracks from " Triple XXX "and "Crank" and "A Beautiful Mind..."

l2. What kind of car do you drive? Chevy Tahoe

l3. Favorite sandwich? Pesto Turkey Ciabatta sandwich at Mimi's Cafe...YUM!

14. What characteristics do you despise in others? Ignorance, laziness, self-righteousness.

15. What is your favorite clothing? My new "Tyte" jeans, and a clean white fitted t-shirt....and REALLY AWESOME SHOES (probably a heeled sandal or opened-toe shoe where my newly manicured toes could peek out!)...and a cool stone-bracelet, with my big silver, hoop earrings!!

l6. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation? Tie: Greece/Egypt

17. What color are your eyes? Green

l8. Favorite Fashion Brand: ALL (except western attire...on THAT I draw the line...)

l9. Where would you want to retire to? Canada...Then I could utilize my french, and get UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE to take care of all my ailments...

20. Favorite time of day? Evening...After the kids are REALLY asleep...

2l. Where were you born? Chula Vista, California (Just a hop, skip and a jump from Tijuana!!)

22. Favorite sport to watch? Basketball

23. Who do you least expect to send this back? Me...I'm a poster, not a sender...

24. Person you expect to send it back first? No clue...I'm not that popular in the great "blogosphere..." But hopefully Suzie's post will help with that...

25. Coke or Pepsi? The only way I can drink Coke is if it is a Diet Vanilla Coke from Sonic or a really cold Coke Zero...I don't mind a cold Diet Pepsi with fresh limes...

26. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? We will be putting our house up for sale within the next month (YEAH!!) and we will start building the house we've talked about for the past...FOREVER!!

27. What did you want to be when you were little? An attorney, or a Museum Curator.

28. What is your best childhood memory? (One of MANY...) When my dad would make up silly songs to famous pop songs...ie: "Spider-Crusher" to the tune of "Ghost-Busters!" (HILARIOUS!!) We still know all the words...He also had this "redneck/country" song that he would sing as we entered the middle of nowhere (Wyoming!) about "Billy's sister's cousin's uncle's nephew, slapped Jenny in the mouth..She took little Susie...and they all headed South..."

29. Did you ever skip school? A few times in High School...Mostly in my Senior year, after all my college applications had been turned in...

30. Who was your best friend in school? I moved around in many "circles..." and had good friends...but none that I would consider "best" (One of my "good" friends slept with my prom date a week before the dance...I wonder why I wasn't more open to a "best" friend...)

3l. Piercing? ears. 3 on the left, and 2 on the right. I went away to yearbook camp at USU in Logan the summer before my senior year, and came home with 4 new holes...my dad wasn't impressed...The third was "home-made...") Now I only wear the LDS "PC" one per ear allotment...but the holes have never closed!

32. Ever been to Africa ? No

33. Ever been toilet papering? Oh, yes!!

4. Been in a car accident? No...But I had a semi-truck slam into me when I was 9 and rollerskating...Does that count?

35. Favorite day of the week? Friday...It always comes with the relief that the week is over, and happiness that it is not yet Sunday and time for my lesson...

36. Favorite restaurant? Happy Sumo

37. Favorite flower? Daisy

38. Favorite flavor of ice cream? New find: Bubblegum with Gummy Bears

39. How many times did you fail your drivers license? Once...The instructor did not feel I drove across an intersection quickly enough, and put "near accident" in big letters on my paper...The worse part was having my mom say, "You can still drive us home with your learner's permit..."
(post note: I have NEVER been in a traffic accident!!)

40. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? Heather

41. What store would you choose to max out your credit card? My instinct says ANY shoe store...My brain says "wait to spend it on your new house..."

42. Bedtime? I'd LIKE to go to sleep at 10:30pm...But...I usually drift off around 1-2am

43. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire?
According to those memes I've read... MYSELF!!

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? My husband and his co-workers and their wives.

45. What are you listening to right now? My kids yelling, "Good night!!"

46. What are your favorite colors? Pink...Lime Green...Silver...

47. How many tattoos do you have? ONE! (Yup---I got it on my first Mother's Day, and YES, I've always had a current temple recommend and calling---this was before the days of "For the Strength of Youth." I was 26, and had a good reason (nope--not gonna tell!!) My kids thought it was a birth mark until they were 4 and 6, then I had to lay it out for them...But they know that I would not get one now, or let THEM get one, since the new "edict" from "above." )

48. How many people are you sending this e-mail to? everyone who blogs. Tag! You're it!

49. Favorite movie of all time? "Life is Beautiful"

50. Favorite book? "Honeymoon in Purdah"



"To Do" Lists...The Black Hole of Guilt

I am a connoisseur of the "To Do" lists...I always seem to have AT LEAST three scattered around my home, one in my scriptures, and a few in my purse. I enjoy the sense of (false though it may be) organization these lists give me. But there is something strangely ironic in them, for the mere fact that I don't really need a list to tell me that I will ALWAYS have things to do, and that I have yet to REALLY sit down and write ALL the things I need "to do" on a hourly, daily, monthly, or yearly basis. Do you realize how LONG this list would be?! Do you realize how overwhelmed and hopeless I would feel if I actually had to ACCOMPLISH everything jotted down on the list?

Why do we (especially us moms) do this to ourselves? I was at my book club the other night, and it was amazing to hear how all of us felt like we were not doing enough...and if we were...that we were not doing it RIGHT. (This group contains Relief Society Presidents, Writing Editors, Models, Magazine Reps, Corporate Managers, Psyche Nurses, Charter School mentors, chemo-survivors, visiting teachers, Gospel Doctrine Teachers, YW leaders, Primary leaders, wives, and, oh yeah...MOTHERS!)

So...I think we should re-work the "to do" list...Instead of anxiously writing down all those things which we feel we "missed the boat" at doing, let's celebrate all the things that we DO accomplish each day! For some days...getting out of bed is a major feat, and should be celebrated...On other days...tackling a project with vigor and zeal, and then being able to stand back and rejoice in the work of your hands...And on other days...being able to help someone else cross a "to do" off their list...which often makes your own list seem more obtainable.